


Iris

by GlitteringKitten



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Suicide, death of OOC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-23
Updated: 2012-06-23
Packaged: 2017-11-08 09:40:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/441827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlitteringKitten/pseuds/GlitteringKitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reincarnation fic. Merlin waits for Arthur; and slowly, as time goes by, he returns. In four stages.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Iris

_When everything’s made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am  
_

_**Part One - In The Sweet By & By  
**_  
It started with a familiar complaint. The same complaint he’d have heard years before, from a four poster bed, a broad naked chest - the growl of insubordination, wanting something that wasn’t coming his way. It was too brief a noise for Merlin to recognize, though, and as he wrote upon his new parchment, the voice disappeared behind him. A nurse caught his attention, directed him backwards to the patient - revealing a man with another wound that would not heal. The symptoms were too far advanced for the latest medicines to attack without risk of death; she had hoped he would put him of his misery. Merlin barely glanced at the man as she told of his ailments, only looked up fully when the familiar voice began to reverberate around his heart.

“You’re the most useless doctor I’ve ever come across, you know?” It wasn’t the words, though they echoed sentences from years before, but the tone. The complete disregard for position - the expectation that someone else should take the blame for what was wrong. Merlin took his eyes from the list of symptoms, handed them back to the nurse and shooed her away.

“I’m sorry we can’t help you, sir; you appear to have contracted an infection in your wound.” The man shuffled in his bed a little, a rather put out pout appearing on his lips. Merlin bit back a smile; it was a pout he’d known well, so long ago - but he was wary. Nothing had indicated within him that Arthur had awakened again; and from what he could read of the man in question, it was because the reincarnation knew nothing of who he was.

“Well, can’t you … I don’t know, cut it out? I’m rather busy, you know - I’ve a business to run, and while I’m sure you can’t even begin to understand this, I need to be out there as a public figure.” Merlin glanced at the name above the bed, recognizing it as the new owner of the local orphanage, St Francis’ Boys Home, Henry King. Of course, he would still be in control of an entire selection of citizens, even if he couldn’t recognize who he was.

“If it were as easy as that, don’t you think we might have already taken action?” He couldn’t help the backchat, it came so naturally, and immediately, the frown of disapproval that covered Henry’s face appeared. Merlin almost felt a jolt of his magic there and then, but knew it was not the case - just so uncannily recognizable. Clearly, this was not Arthur. This was merely his body beginning to take form again - and even if it had decided to start to awaken now, it was unlikely to work with Henry’s life so close to its end.

“I don’t suppose there’s much chance of a second opinion?” The man began to ask, but defeat was already appearing in his eyes. Defeat - and disappointment. Not for himself, Merlin surmised, but the people in his care. He was letting them down. He had to swallow back the water appearing in his eyes when he recognized the look; it would not do to lose his head over a shared expression. He had years of this still to come, he was certain, especially if Arthur had only begun to appear this long after his original death. Realizing he’d not yet answered the other man, he shook his head; just slightly, and softened his voice.

“Is there anyone you’d like me to contact? A lady friend, perhaps?” Henry shook his head, glancing at his hands, not quite avoiding Merlin’s gaze. Merlin’s heart tightened at the thought, but continued relentlessly. “Then… a colleague?”

“They know I’m here. I don’t think they expect my return. If -” Henry hesitated, finally raising his head again. “Should they come by, would you let them know there are plenty of reserves for the boys in the drawer by my bed? They will understand. I … don’t expect them to come by until it‘s over. They would not risk it.” Merlin nodded, just the once, that he understood. Relief spread through the cracks of Henry’s face, although it was tempered with the true sadness any man gets when told they are dying.

“Is there anything you can do to … prevent this situation from overstaying its welcome? I can’t afford for the press to linger and create havoc at the house, awaiting my final breath. Those boys - they need to continue with their lives.” The idea shuddered against every nerve in Merlin’s body; and he started to shake his head - until Henry reached for his hand, eyes pleading him the way only Arthur could. “For their sake. Please.” Fingers against his skin, determined to do right by those reliant on him; Merlin couldn’t refuse. He called the nurse back and requested carbolic acid, and a needle. She met his eyes, then that of the man in the bed, and nodded, returning with the items.

“Would you like me to take care of the patient, doctor?” Her voice was soft, but certain of what she was offering - yet Merlin could not give her that burden, and shook his head.

“If you could just leave us, nurse, and come back in two hours.” Henry swallowed, hand still gripping Merlin’s arm subconsciously. It took every strength within him to pull those fingers away, slide the needle into his friend’s arm. As he watched the other man shut his eyes, preparing for the death that would follow, Merlin’s heart sank, and he stepped back, watching his friend die once more.

It was a century before he saw those eyes open again.

\---

 _ **Part 2 - Sorrow**  
_  
When Merlin caught sight of those eyes again, he was unprepared. He’d been unprepared before, and with only a hundred years passing this time, he knew he ought to have expected it - but it was the place, the time; the situation - so different to the last that it felt unreal.

A disco ball above his head shone thousands of tiny lights across the room while multi-tonal lights waved over his head; a rainbow of electricity as the music drowned whatever he’d been thinking with glamorous guitars and stardust voices. Girls in skirts as tight as their tops rising up thighs toned by days of dancing surrounded him, and men holding onto each other’s arms as they jived with abandonment.

Merlin had seen time change from darkened pasts to luminous futures, through wars and bombs to the new generation of hope and love. He was enjoying every second of his life since the start of the 1950s, and changing like a chameleon to fit with all their trends. Now, in the 1970s, he’d started to understand the buzz of living life to the full, enjoying time spent with others freely - and had assumed the continuous glow in his veins had been from the reawakening of his life. When he met those eyes across the dance floor, though, he knew he’d been very much mistaken.

Blonde hair in a shocking upright position, beginning to hang around the ears and styled in a way only a rich boy could; there was no doubting the boy catching his glance was Arthur. He was surrounded by glittering girls and boys, all dressed up in clothes much more expensive than those Merlin was with. It was amazing that throughout time, even their class system had not changed. He indicated with a hand for Merlin to come over; the typical sign of a boy who has everything wanting something more.

Hesitancy filled Merlin’s heart. He’d lost Arthur twice already, and though he could sense him now, the buzz in his body had never been strong enough to tell him the other boy was alive, awake - it was not quite right. If he moved over, he was certain he’d be disappointed. The fact he did not move, however, did nothing to deter the other boy - and with all the pride of a Pendragon, he sauntered over to Merlin and smiled winningly.

“I saw you staring across the floor; why not join us?” The blonde’s voice was so similar that Merlin responded automatically, sarcasm a defence he’d never been able to cure.

“What makes you think I would want to do that?” The shock in the other boy’s eyes was instantaneous, and immediately, Merlin regretted the words, amending them by flirting; “I don’t know your name yet.”

“It’s Prince,” he laughed when Merlin raised an eyebrow, “Honestly. My mother expected great things of me.” Prince indicated with his head back to where his friends were dancing, “You want to join us now? We’re having a great time over there - and you’re sure to find someone you like, if I don’t fit your bill.” The self-assured smile that followed the words, as if he already knew that wasn’t the case, made Merlin laugh, and though he knew it was a mistake, he nodded, letting the blonde pull him over to them. Something about seeing Arthur - the man who he remembered always having the world weighing heavily on his shoulders - seem so carefree was endearing, and Merlin couldn’t help but get swept up in the moment.

The loud beat of the music left no space for real talking, and as Prince’s friends gleefully brought Merlin into their fold, he felt the sparks between himself and the other boy begin to ignite once more; against his wishes. It would not do for him to advantage of the other boy, knowing that he had no clue who he really was - only that there was some connection between them too irresistible to prevent. There were no signs that he remembered Merlin from a past life, no signs he even recalled the lives in question - just an obvious attraction between them both.

“So, do I get to know your name?” Prince asked, dragging him away from the crowd to get drinks from the bar. Merlin opened his mouth and then promptly closed it again. Inside of him, something was telling him not to reveal it - not to tell the blonde who he was, in case it jolted something that wasn’t ready to appear. Quickly he picked a name at random, recalling one of the singers he’d heard on the radio days before.

“Ziggy; you can call me Ziggy.” The other boy laughed, clearly not believing him, but accepting of the name regardless. He took hold of Merlin’s arm, contact continuous as he ordered drinks for his group. He asked Merlin what he wanted to drink, but before he could reply a shout came across the dance floor, and the people Prince had been with were suddenly fighting. Prince’s face creased up in dismay as he watched his friends being pulled here and there; the movements jolting and painful. Torn between staying with Merlin and running over to aide them as Arthur would have, he began to edge forwards. The fight became more violent, and Merlin gently pulled away, leaning towards the blonde.

“Go help your friends. I’m not going anywhere.” He smiled reassuringly, and within seconds, Prince had left his side to accompany his friends. Merlin watched carefully as the fight became more enthusiastic, more dangerous - until he knew he could not stay any longer. It was not bloody, and there would be no real casualties - but Prince was not Arthur; and watching him defend himself was nothing like watching the real prince in battle. If Merlin stayed; he would begin to fall for this version of Arthur - this incomplete child who would never remember all the past that Merlin had with him. There would always be that difference. For that reason, Merlin climbed off his seat and headed for the door. He took a quick glance back, and saw the long shock of hair flying as Prince was pulled back from another fight. It was thin, like feathers, catching the many colours of light around them - for a minute, Merlin thought he could see it sparkle, and then he realized, it was merely glitter in his hair.

Disappointment clutched at his heart as he stepped back into the loud, beautiful night; and Merlin began to journey as far away from there as he could, still not knowing how long it would be before he saw his version of Arthur again.

\----

_**Part 3 - Don’t Cry** _

Thirty years; a much shorter time span, Merlin realized. It made him wonder, momentarily, whether leaving Prince in the bar had been a good idea - the boy sat opposite him was no more than twenty, so it could only have been another ten years of life at most. The thought hurt almost as much as seeing him in the flesh again did. Merlin was beginning to wonder whether it was healthy, to keep seeing Arthur so often - but he had no one to compare it with, nobody to talk to about the situation. He had spent all those years alone; waiting for the future he didn’t even know would come.

But thirty years - no, much longer than that really, - and maybe it had come. The strong force wrapping around his skin, the magic he could feel crackling in his veins - that was real. That was stronger than it had been for decades. The boy sat opposite had ignited those feelings just by appearing in the same room - there was no doubt in his mind that this version of Arthur was nearly there. Nearly.

“So, guys, we’ve got a few new people today; let’s make them welcome to the group by going around and introducing ourselves. We don’t have to explain our problems now, but if you want to elaborate it will only help.” Holding his clipboard across his legs, Merlin smiled warmly at the people before him. A few of the girls smiled shyly back, one or two of the boys pulled faces and a few of the other members merely ignored him. It wasn’t an unusual situation, but starting with new people always made Merlin wonder why he had bothered to become a counsellor. He guessed it stemmed from his need to do something helpful while waiting for Arthur’s return, but sometimes he thought there was something more to it - the need to help other people who, like him, had nobody to turn to.

“Rebecca, why don’t you start us off?” The girl a few seats away from the-boy-who-was-Arthur nodded, starting to talk about herself, her problems; moving easily into a discussion of why she was there. She’d been there a while, knew the drill, and though it was meant to be useful to her, often she joined in only because she had to. Merlin had not yet managed to work out how to help her; she was beyond his reach. As he pondered her case, the group continued talking, until it reached Arthur.

“My name’s William. Except it’s not.” The contempt in his voice was so strong, Merlin couldn’t help but look to him as he continued. “I’ve been put in here because they don’t believe me when I say I’m not William.”

“And who do you think you are then?” A girl beside him asked, curiosity clear on her face. He was still attractive, Merlin realized, and no doubt the air of mystery- of being someone else - was enticing to her. He looked down at his name list - Courtney - and shook his head pointedly.

“Now, Courtney, we can’t ask him that if he doesn’t want to reveal it. Not just yet. You know you mustn’t push patients for your own purpose.” She scowled, folding her arms pointedly and facing away from him. Taking his pen and writing a note beside her name, he glanced back up to William. “Unless, William, you want to explain?”

“I don’t need to explain to you; it’s already on your form.” Merlin tried to withhold his smile, pursing his lips and nodding slowly in agreement. Courtney sighed loudly, and the circle moved on; their talk continuing without any more involvement from the blonde boy. Strangely, it was as though he was waiting for something specific to happen, although Merlin didn’t really know quite what. When the group session ended and they all began to pack their chairs away, he realized that he’d avoided pushing the blonde for answers throughout the entire session.

“William - just a moment, please. Could you stay behind, I need to ask you a few things.” As if he’d anticipated exactly those words, William smiled and nodded, a knowing smirk that echoed all of his former life’s arrogance. When the final members of the group had left, Merlin sat down beside him, uncertain how to approach the topic of his lack of pressure.

“Well, spit it out then.” The other boy stated, looking down at the scars on his wrists. Up close, Merlin could see them, lined like beautiful patchwork seams up and down his skin - and without thinking he reached over to take hold of one arm. William raised an eyebrow. “I hope you’re not that friendly to all of your patients, Merlin.” The word startled the warlock and he dropped his grip of the boy. William stared at him patiently, blue eyes reading carefully the lines of Merlin’s face.

“Who is it you think you are, William?”

“It’s not who I think I am. It’s who I am. You know that. It’s just taken me some time to get here.” Merlin still said nothing, wanting the other boy to admit it himself, to admit he was exactly who he thought him to be. “Merlin; even you can’t be that dense. It’s me. Arthur.”

And then it fell into harmony again; the vein-throbbing magic beneath his skin igniting as he traced his fingers along Arthur’s wrists; took his hands and just held them - trying desperately not to cry at his return. Arthur reached up and touched Merlin’s face, rough fingertips against his smooth skin.

“I wanted to be sure; that’s all. That you were complete - that you were here.” Merlin whispered softly, still holding his eyes shut as he pulled his chair closer, never letting go of the other boy. Arthur smiled and pushed back a lock of the brown hair that had grown so long, but stayed so youthful. As if to prove to the other man that he was who he implied, he reached forwards and placed a very soft, very gentle kiss to his lips. There was no pressure behind the kiss; no pushing for more - just a tender reminder of what he’d missed in those years. Merlin held off from pressing him harder - he had waited so long already, he knew it would keep.

“It feels… odd. Like I’m not myself.” Arthur’s voice, from those lips, soft against his own, reminded him that perhaps it still wasn’t quite right - perhaps it still wasn’t time. “I feel like I’m stuck inside someone else’s skin, Merlin, and I can’t feel you against me. Why can’t I feel you?” Eyes still shut, Merlin could no longer hold his tears in, and a few escaped down his cheek. It wasn’t time. It was so close - but it wasn’t time. This was not Arthur. Not yet. The fact he felt his heart beating hard against the other man’s chest, could sense every nerve begging for him to claw through the skin and pull Arthur from the wreckage - it meant nothing, because if Arthur didn’t feel like the man he was supposed to be, then it still wasn’t quite right.

“What do you want me to do, Arthur?” The sparks of magic flew around his body, crackling dangerously at the surface of each fingertip as it connected to the scars on Arthur’s arms. “I can’t bring you out, if this isn’t who you’re supposed to be…” A noise interrupted his words, and slowly, both boys turned around to see Courtney standing in the doorway. She stared at them both, hard, then turned away. A sinking feeling came over Merlin’s body, and he gripped the other boy tightly.

“This isn’t over, Arthur. Whatever happens… you’ll be back.” Already he could hear the thunder of footsteps along the corridor; high heels and thick soles. Arthur held onto him, not understanding, not realizing what was about to take place. Merlin pulled out of his arms, standing up, accepting the sudden invasion of their private moment by the head doctor; the stern look towards the flushed face and tears on his cheeks. Arthur reached for him, eyes confused and hurt as Merlin shook him away. As he was led out of the room by the senior workers, he took a chance to glance back at those eyes, and saw a hurt he’d never hoped to see again - the look of someone lost; losing everything they’d thought they had. As he was taken away from the building, he remembered that look, and hoped it would not be the last they would share.

\----

 _ **Part 4 - You and I  
**_  
As he opened his eyes, stared into the ceiling above him, Merlin shivered. Something about the way things kept flickering through his memory left him cold; even the thick sheets on his bed couldn’t keep him warm. Flashes of people he knew; people who knew him - echoing around every corner, like a reel of bad thoughts that just wouldn’t stop repeating.

“Merlin?” The croaking voice of a late night and a hand possessively wrapping itself, along with the rest of the body attached, swallowed his thoughts, and he sighed, huddled down into the strong shoulders that wanted to hold him. “What’s up?”

“Nothing…” the untruth trickled out of his mouth against the flesh beside him, and Merlin smiled, knowing it would never be left at that. He continued, regardless of his earlier lie. “I was just thinking about William.”

“William.” The voice sharpened a little, jealousy flickering amongst the singular name. “Why are you thinking of William when I’m right here?” Merlin glanced up, met the blue eyes he’d seen so often, seen hidden amongst masks of a person who wasn’t quite right. Reassured himself that this was right, this was the complete version - this was Arthur.

“I was… thinking about that day. One day. And - how he died.” Arthur shifted, pulling himself into a sitting position, Merlin’s head against his naked chest, stroking the dark hair that had begun to grow curls from length.

“I did it for us, Merlin.” He whispered, planting a kiss on the side of his head, “I did it to make this happen faster. If I hadn’t - if he’d lived; it could’ve been years before we got to here. And - you’d waited so long already… I couldn’t make you go through that again.” Merlin shut his eyes, not saying what he had thought so anxiously at the time, what he’d feared at the time. That suicide would stop the reincarnation; that it would create new problems - that he’d never return. Arthur felt him tense up, and gently rubbed circles into his back, trying to calm his lover down.

“I’m here now, Merlin.”

Merlin smiled, twisting against his chest so they could kiss; his arms wrapping themselves around Arthur’s neck, pulling him down and letting his fingers caress the other man’s skin lovingly, as they’d longed to do for so long. The blonde broke the kiss, smiling down at him. Sparks under Merlin’s skin gently hummed, at ease with their place in the world again. When Arthur pinned him down to the bed, regaining all control of the situation, Merlin relaxed, finally happy to see the reflection he expected in those eyes; the acknowledgement of who he was and why they were there. 

“Arthur -” He interrupted the tracing kisses the blonde man was placing along his collarbone, a sudden thought flickering through his mind. “What happens if- when you die this time?” The lips stopped against his shoulder, and Merlin felt his heart slow, the sudden horror of his realization all but killing the mood between them. Arthur’s mouth moved against his skin, words he could not quite hear. “Sorry?”

“I said,” Arthur pulled back from his body, meeting his eyes with careful deliberation, “this time, you’ll come with me. Even if I have to kill you myself.” As cruel as the words sounded, they bought nothing but relief to the sorcerer; the knowledge that he would never be left waiting alone again soothing all his uncertainties. “We’ll start again - together.”

“Together,” Merlin whispered, and the topic was closed with a kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> The titles of the sections are songs which had some significance to the section at the time of writing (albeit I'm not sure what any more, possibly a lyrics thing, it was about 2am). For the versions I was referencing, I've added links here to Y/T videos: [In the Sweet By & By](http://youtu.be/ALp39fFc-Bs), [Sorrow](http://youtu.be/FdsedY0foGc), [Don't Cry](http://youtu.be/zRIbf6JqkNc) and [You and I](http://youtu.be/NKU6oOUho74).


End file.
